Please Don’t Be That Girl

I had a whole brain before I started talking to a boy.

I thought about other things, people, activities, my future, before a boy.

My life will not consist of texting,thinking of witty responses,and waiting on a text back.

I won't allow it.

That is completely unacceptable.

I want to just see where things go with this person.

I don't want to just say I want to see where things go with this person.

I want to not be anxious.

I don't want to pretend that I’m not anxious.

It hasn't even been a full 24 hours.

I have to get it together now.  

I don't know what’s going on in his mind.

I don't know if he’s thinking about me.

Part of me wants him to.

Part of me wants him to concentrate on something he knew about before he knew I existed.

No one should have the power to turn someone's life upside down.

Some girls want the power to do that to someone so badly.

I don't want someone who is obsessed with me.

I don't want someone that just walks around with me on their brain.

Call me crazy.

I think its crazy people want that.

I want real love, with a fully functional brain to match.

Well from this guy, I don't know what I want at all.

We could be friends.

We could be more.

We could be less.

We could be nothing.

That’s how these things go.

I know this.

Well, at least I think I do.

I just don't want to be that girl.

You know the girl that forgets about herself?

You know the girl who just thinks about the boy?

You know the girl that drops everything for the boy?

You know the girl who keeps recreating herself to be everything the boy wants?

I begged myself not to be that girl.

I won’t be that girl.

Please don’t be that girl.

- An excerpt from a journal entry from 10/1/2016