Tainted by Thorns

“I’ve already been through so much, how much more do I have to go through before I finally get somewhere?” A question I asked my mom and CC’d God on the memo.

I know she wouldn’t have much to rebuttal that with because what else could I do but tell me to wait.

“Waiting doesn’t mean you’re sitting around twiddling your thumbs.” She reminds me soothingly.

“I know.”

“Actively wait. Work, create, try something new in the meantime.”

So I decided to try something new in the meantime.

The meantime… The phrase lingers on repeat in my mind for a while.

“What would I even do?” I feel like I don’t have any hobbies and the same rose-tinted lenses I previously owned are now being tainted by thorns.

A thorn for each emotional tragedy, it’s like I collect them as souvenirs that travel with me no matter where I go. I need the right gardner to pluck them out or was that supposed to be my responsibility?

I’m not sure but I’m not looking for apologies from those who won’t give them. So here I am left to fix the mess I didn’t create, hoping it’ll make sense one day.

I didn’t realize how big my ask was until after the words came out of my mouth.

I hope I didn’t just get myself into any trouble.

- A journal excerpt from 9/6/20